I can't help but feel day in and day out like I am riding on a roller coaster. I have so many ups and downs daily....hourly. I really haven't found a good way to deal with this new life I now call my own. It is so far from the way I have always been.
I am a happy, positive person and right now all I can think about are sad, devastating things. I can't seem to get away from them...no matter how much I lie to myself and to others. These thoughts follow me everywhere. They send me up and down all day long.
It is so hard to not feel or act like yourself. I find myself wanting to do nothing all day and I try to justify to myself that that is okay. It isn't. It isn't healthy. It isn't me!
I find myself getting upset and not finding a reason why. Crying feels like such a relief.
This is a brand new life....one I didn't choose. One I have to get used to because it is mine. It is mine for some reason I can't figure out right now. Maybe one day I will. Maybe I never will. Maybe figuring it out isn't the point.
I hate always talking about having a tough time....but that is all I am having. I came to the realization this week that things are the way they are....no matter what test results come back that I gain hope from. They are merely a check off the list of things that could be wrong.
Something is still wrong. The situation has not changed.
I talked with Dr. Read. I asked him to call me to discuss more of what is going on. Everything is so up in the air. He knows something is wrong, but doesn't have an overall name for it. He said they may not know until Oliver arrives. I am done trying to figure out what is wrong because, all in all, the end result will be the same.
So, I am moving forward and thinking about all the things I can do now to prepare myself the best I can for Oliver's big arrival. As painful as everything is, I want to remember Oliver in every way possible....every single second, every hair, every wrinkle, every breathe. I want to celebrate his life....because he is alive! I feel him kick....I hear his heart beat....I see him move. He is alive! And as much as I am hurting, I am also trying my best to celebrate this gift. This gift that God gave me in order for me to give Him glory. God knows my pain. He cries with me and holds me. But then He puts me back on that roller coaster and I continue this ride that is now my life....He is riding with me. Always.