Growing in Faith!

I can just feel the Holy Spirit all around me and it is just lighting a fire in me to glorify God with my life!

Zach started RCIA this month. RCIA are the classes one takes to enter into the Catholic Church. Zach and I, being Zach's sponsor, will be attending classes until Easter. It is going to be an awesome journey that we get to do together and it just brings me so much joy seeing Zach in this light. The first day at class was a meet and greet. Everyone introduced themselves and told their story of why they are in the class wanting to become Catholic. I had never heard Zach's full story...so my ears were wide open!

Zach started by saying he had never met anyone Catholic until he moved away from home....Catholics don't really exist in Berry. He couldn't believe after we met that he was going to be marrying a Catholic...let alone one whose father was a Deacon in the Church. He said that he was marrying me because he loved me and to tell my dad that he was NOT converting. Well, the Holy Spirit got ahold of his heart and we are all so happy. He said he really felt that the Catholic Church was home for him and where he belongs....he knew this after Christmas Mass this past year. Not only is this Mass one of the most beautiful of the entire year, but he was there holding his daughter and knew in order for him to teach her the ways of our Lord....he needed learn them himself. So here he is!

I never really understood what people meant when they said "You want to have a Christ Centered Marriage". I totally get it now! Zach and I being on the same page in our faith and expressing it to each other everyday has transformed our marriage. The other day before Mass started, Zach and I were just talking and he said "Can't you just feel our marriage getting stronger?" I mean talk about making a girl's heart melt! Putting Christ at the center of our marriage, rather than making him a bystander, has made us so much stronger and I just love him so much!

In addition to RCIA, Zach and I have started to attend a new ministry at our Church called Young Married Ministry. The objective is to bring together young, married couples, the next generation of the church, and teach them the fundamentals in living a Christan marriages while growing in faith and gaining support through community. It is going to be such a beautiful thing for our marriage! There are such wonderful couples in our Church and I can't wait to get to know all of them more!

A couple of weeks ago, after a complete crubble of Mommy Club, unfortunately sometimes women just butt heads....why is this??!?! I digress.........

From the rubble....came to life a beautiful Book Club!!! After our weekly get togethers ended, I still wanted to spend time with my girl friends and see them weekly. I thought that a book club would be a fun way to get us all together, while at the same time, growing in relationship with each other and strengthening our friendships through Christ....something that was not always done before. So when one door closes....another opens!

We are reading Heaven's Song by Christopher West. What an amazing, extraordinarily, beautiful book! I am loving every minute of it and I am only on Chapter 3! And this is a great book to discuss among women. The book was written to explain sex as God intended it to be....not the way the world portrays it. Such a difference and it just completely changes your thought process on the subject.

My girlfriends and I met for the first time two weeks ago and are meeting again next week. Should be interesting....whoever sits next to us at the coffee shop is in for it :)

So.....I am growing....and growing...and loving every minute of it!

Kendall's Birthday!

This past weekend we traveled to Alabama for Ms. Kendall's 2nd birthday. After missing her 1st birthday party....we made a point to make it this year! So glad we were able to! Kendall is such a girly girl and most of her gifts consisted of dress up clothes or baby dolls. She was so cute walking around in her high heels with her make believe vacuum.

The Dessert Box did a fabulous job, once again, on the cake and cookies. I had never had their cookies before and let me just tell you....I could have eaten every one of them all by myself!

And we got to see our best friends!

Saturday, we relaxed at The Phillips' House and watched the Bama game....which was not very relaxing....more nerve racking!!!! But a win is a win!

These kids are just growing way too fast. It totally breaks my heart that I don't get to see all my nieces and nephews all the time. But I do love celebrating their birthdays with them!

Fall is in the Air!

This week the weather is supposed to FINALLY feel like Fall. I am pumped! A chill in air, chai tea in my cup and we can now enjoy the park!
And going to the park these days is a whole new experience...we are not only limited to the swing now! We have discovered that Zoe is a little bit nervous of heights. It took her some time to get used to being on the playground and get comfortable moving around....but once she got moving...she was moving!

Just a Pickin'

My daughter has discovered that her nose has 2 holes and her pointer finger fits perfectly into those holes.

Awesome!

The Voice of Truth

So.....how are we doing? A week ago, I would have cried and told you we are hanging in there....taking everything day by day. Today, I can, with strength, tell you I am doing great.

Over the past week to week and a half, a lot has been going on, many words of encouragement have been spoken, cards have been sent, tears have been shed. I hid away in moments and then in others, filled my days so that thoughts wouldn't even have to enter my mind. I have prayed into my feelings and my sorrow. I have come out stronger!

Last Friday, I woke up, looked at the pictures of my son and smiled. What a beautiful little boy he was if only in my eyes and he now makes me smile! You see....I have my very own Angel, looking down on me and I realized I can't let him down! I have to show him how strong his Mommy is and loving and how much I loved him and still do.

Unfortunately, a very sad event had to bring me to this realization. I have had so many people calling me and sharing with me their words of encouragement. In one call, I was shocked by things said. I might have taken this the wrong way because of my emotions...but that is that. I was told that God would not do this to a baby. That Satan played a role in my little Oliver's passing. That in the past, this person has been angry with God because of death and wanted answers and only in answers could she find peace. That was her choice.

This conversation made me realize I had a choice. I choose to smile. I choose to believe that My God is good and loving and knows what is best for me. I choose to believe that He numbers our days...He knows His plan for each of us and He knew Oliver's, too. I choose to believe that the devil played no role in my son's life. I won't give him that satisfaction! I choose to see the beauty in my son, not the sorrow. I choose to see the lives Oliver has touched in the short time he was here. I choose to remember him kicking after I ate Banana Cream Pie and his beautiful heart beat that I got to listen to for 8 wonderful weeks. I choose to believe that I don't need an answer because when I get it....I will be holding my son in heaven and then it won't matter. I make this choice now every morning.

We all, you and I, are God's 1st! We are all His children before we were our parents and we are still His before we are wives or sisters or friends. We are God's! And when He calls us home...there is nothing that can stop it.

You won't believe this....but I found so much comfort in a familiar song. I know, crazy!

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

Our God is good!

10 Months Old

• Zoe weighs about 18 lbs.
• Zoe wears size 9 month clothes and size 3 diapers.
• Zoe has blonde hair and it is starting to curl! Love it!
• Zoe has 3 8 oz. bottles, 3 meals and a snack or 2 a day.
• Zoe tried ground beef, clementines, butternut squash, ravioli, lemons (her face was hilarious)…can’t think of any others.
• Zoe has started to cruise.
• Zoe can pull herself up on anything and sit herself back down.
• Zoe loves to stand up on the bed and then fall back on her bottom.
• Zoe now likes to be thrown in the air because Zach wouldn’t stop trying until she did.
• Zoe loves to open and close the TV cabinet.
• Zoe knows what “no” means and has even puckered her lower lip when she is told no.
• Zoe screams….a lot.
• Zoe has the best facial expressions….she is really trying hard to communicate.
• Zoe is very predictable.
• Zoe still loves her thumb, but likes to chew on her pointer finger.
• Zoe still only has 2 teeth.
• Zoe has started to dance when she hears music.
• Zoe makes monkey noises…I am pretty sure she learned this from Zach because when he makes them she copies him exactly.
• Zoe screams if she sees her bottle and it is not in her hands.
• Zoe says Mama a lot more now…but it is usually only when I am going to slow getting her food.
• Zoe is really short, but has a little bit bigger head.
• Zoe is the best cuddler in the mornings.
• Zoe has mastered crawling.
• Zoe stands on her tippy toes…total priss.
• Zoe is over the bouncer…she wants to be moving all the time.
• Zoe loves her lamb that sings “Jesus loves Me”.
• Zoe had the worst diaper rash I have ever seen this past month.
• Zoe freaks out when Zach says “I am going to get you!”
• Zoe enjoyed her first Alabama Game! Roll Tide!
• Zoe has the absolute best smile.
• Zoe follows you all around the house.
• Zoe loves to ride on Zach’s shoulders and pull his hair.
• Zoe puts anything she finds on the floor in her mouth.
• Zoe hates her car seat, so we have turned her around for all of our sanity.
• Zoe pulls out her bows and then sees me frown and tries to put it back in.
• Zoe has no stranger anxiety and no longer has separation anxiety.
• Zoe loves to wave but only claps when she wants to now.
• Zoe can drink from her sippy cup, but only when she wants to.
• Zoe loves to play in her room and pull all her books off the shelf.
• Zoe shakes when she is really full of emotion.
• Zoe is not a fan of getting dressed.
• Zoe loves to give kisses to everyone.
• Zoe has started to push you away she wants to get down or not be held so tight.
• Zoe lets you know when she is done eating because she throws the food on the ground or just starts to play with it.
• Zoe loves for you to pat her mouth and make Indian noises.
• Zoe loves to give you big raspberries on your arm.
• Zoe makes kissing sounds with her lips and can click her tongue.
• Zoe became a Big Sister this past month.

My dear Oliver was delivered into this world on September 9th at 10:46pm. My heart has never ached so much in my life. Many tears were shed and goodbyes were said.

I cannot thank you all enough for your thoughts and prayers over the last 10 weeks. This little baby made such an impression on this world and it is an understatement to say Oliver changed my life. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have carried him the time I did.

Sunday, 5:00pm Mass at St. John Neumann will be dedicated to my Oliver. Any of you that would like to come, you are welcome. We would love to celebrate our son with you. We are all Christians and can celebrate a very special life together and praise Our God for the gifts He gives us.

I am weak, then I am strong!

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Weakness is a tough thing to admit to. No one wants to show weakness. Weakness through tears, through pain, through lack of strength. We all, at sometime, have tried to hide our weaknesses for whatever reason. I am weak. I admit it.

Right now, I am weak in spirit, weak in body. But through my weakness, I have become strong. Strong in prayer. Strong in relationship. Strong!

It is 1:37am. I am about to take my second round of medicine. I was able to get some sleep, but being at a hospital is never the ideal place for great rest. I woke up to screams of pain and then cries of new life. Immediately, I felt bolts of jealousy run through my body. I am weak. But instead of focusing on that jealousy, I prayed into it. I prayed for that beautiful baby, for it's mother, father, family. For health and safety. Happiness. Through weakness, I am strong!

We are all strong because when we admit to our weakness, we are saying that we NEED Christ. We need Him day in and day out. We need him to be by our sides. We need Him to rejoice with us when we rejoice, to cry with us when we cry. To hide our weakness only pushes Him away. So take pride in your weakness...pray into your weakness and I promise, you will find strength.

Letters to Oliver

My sweet boy,

I found out today, September 7th, that you are now home in heaven, right where you belong. Your strong heart beat has now stopped, but don't think it went unnoticed.

Do you know you changed my life? Do you know you changed many lives? Do you know because of you people saw God because God used you as an instrument to bring people closer to Him, to bring Him glory?

You were mine for 20 weeks. I was blessed to carry you and love you. I will carry you in my heart and love you endlessly until we meet in heaven. I look forward to that day, my sweet baby. But until then I know Mary, our Mother, will hold you and tell you all about me.

Tomorrow, I get to see you. I can't wait to count your fingers and toes. It is going to be so hard to let you go, even though I know you are gone. Please, know how much I love you! You changed my world, Oliver...my Grace Baby!

Love,

Mommy

Nothing

There is nothing quite like love at first sight.

There is nothing quite like knowing you found the one.

There is nothing quite like a first kiss or first "I love you".

There is nothing quite like picking out a dress because you know he will love you in it.

There is nothing quite like saying "I do" and meaning it with your whole heart.

There is nothing quite like saying "In good times and bad" and knowing there is nothing you can't handle together.

There is nothing quite like calling someone your husband or being called someone's wife.

There is nothing quite like waking up to the same face every morning and loving nothing else.

There is nothing quite like a positive pregnancy test.

There is nothing quite like hearing a heart beat or feeling a kick.

There is nothing quite like hearing "It's a GIRL".

There is nothing quite like holding your baby girl for the first time and sharing that moment with the man of your dreams.

There is nothing quite like watching your husband transform into a father.

There is nothing quite like buying a house and then making it a home.

There is nothing quite like one person knowing absolutely everything about you.

There is nothing quite like having your best friend with you every day.

There is nothing quite like a life changing surprise to share together.

There is nothing quite like seeing the reaction on your husband's face when they tell you "It's a BOY".

There is nothing quite like having someone to always hold your hand, wipe your tears, and tell you everything will be okay.

There is no one quite like my husband!

There is nothing quite like being married!

Two years ago, I made the best decision of my life and would never change a thing that has happened since. I have the absolute best husband in the world. He is just amazing! God really knew what He was doing bringing the two of us together.

I love you, Zach. Happy 2nd Anniversary!

The Time has Come!

To say I am excited is quite the understatement!

There is nothing I love more than football, tailgating, houndstooth, crimson and white.....Tuscaloosa!!!! We are going to get to make it down for one football game...only one which totally bums me out! But, I will look forward to the Ironbowl all season long! Until then, I will settle for watching my champions on the screen working their way toward 14!

Roll Tide Roll!

Roller Coaster

I can't help but feel day in and day out like I am riding on a roller coaster. I have so many ups and downs daily....hourly. I really haven't found a good way to deal with this new life I now call my own. It is so far from the way I have always been.

I am a happy, positive person and right now all I can think about are sad, devastating things. I can't seem to get away from them...no matter how much I lie to myself and to others. These thoughts follow me everywhere. They send me up and down all day long.

It is so hard to not feel or act like yourself. I find myself wanting to do nothing all day and I try to justify to myself that that is okay. It isn't. It isn't healthy. It isn't me!

I find myself getting upset and not finding a reason why. Crying feels like such a relief.

This is a brand new life....one I didn't choose. One I have to get used to because it is mine. It is mine for some reason I can't figure out right now. Maybe one day I will. Maybe I never will. Maybe figuring it out isn't the point.

I hate always talking about having a tough time....but that is all I am having. I came to the realization this week that things are the way they are....no matter what test results come back that I gain hope from. They are merely a check off the list of things that could be wrong.

Something is still wrong. The situation has not changed.

I talked with Dr. Read. I asked him to call me to discuss more of what is going on. Everything is so up in the air. He knows something is wrong, but doesn't have an overall name for it. He said they may not know until Oliver arrives. I am done trying to figure out what is wrong because, all in all, the end result will be the same.

So, I am moving forward and thinking about all the things I can do now to prepare myself the best I can for Oliver's big arrival. As painful as everything is, I want to remember Oliver in every way possible....every single second, every hair, every wrinkle, every breathe. I want to celebrate his life....because he is alive! I feel him kick....I hear his heart beat....I see him move. He is alive! And as much as I am hurting, I am also trying my best to celebrate this gift. This gift that God gave me in order for me to give Him glory. God knows my pain. He cries with me and holds me. But then He puts me back on that roller coaster and I continue this ride that is now my life....He is riding with me. Always.

I look more and more...

...like my Daddy everyday!