Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Where Do I Begin?

First, let me start by saying thank you to everyone who has been praying for my little family. I have felt every one of your prayers and ask you to continue.

This is a LONG ONE!

SO…..I am pregnant! Yay for us! We found out on June 25th….day before my birthday…by pregnancy test after a long early morning trip to the bathroom with what we all like to call “Morning Sickness”. We were ecstatic….and a little sleepy. I showed Zach the test and we just held one another, full of joy. He then asked if I wouldn’t mind him going back to sleep. We are talking 4:00 in the morning…so I didn’t mind. Me, on the other hand, I laid there, eyes wide open, imagining what our life would be with 2 under 2. There was a little bit of freaking out, but much, much more excitement.

You always hear moms and women, in general, talk about “having a feeling”….well I did. Many. I had a feeling I was pregnant sooner but completely denied it to myself. A couple things that happened while I was pregnant with Zoe had happened in the past couple weeks. I just was like….no way I am pregnant. I even started to take my temperature in preparation for NFP (natural family planning). But God had other plans.

We were so excited to tell our families….and knew 4th of July would be the perfect time. Zach’s mom and my sister were in town and it was just great timing. As you all saw, we got quite a reaction. No one, I didn’t feel, was very surprised. Everyone knows Zach and I are crazy about kids and love our family…everyone assumed it would be soon. Everyone but me and Zach…hahah. I asked everyone to keep things quiet for a little while until I visited the doctor. I blamed it on me being embarrassed that I didn't know how far along I was....but unfortunately...I just had a "feeling" something was not right.

Our first doctor’s appointment was on July 12th. We went as a family and it was just one of those moments I will always remember. One, there is nothing quite like seeing your child for the first time…just beautiful. And two, to get to share this moment not only with my hubby, but to also have my little Zoe squealing and giggling the whole time just made my heart melt more. The first thing the doctor said was “wow you are far along.” I had a “feeling” I was. On the 12th, I measured 12w1d and my due date is set for January 23rd. I couldn’t believe it, but at the same time figured I would be that far along. The doctor continued to check out the baby as I just starred at the already developed feet, toes, fingers, the heart beating. My second child is just beautiful!!!!

The doctor informed us that he detected some excess fluid around the baby’s abdomen and suggested we see a specialist in the very near future. I was taken aback, but had heard many times before of this “fluid”. So I didn’t want to completely freak out just yet. He went on to explain that the fluid around the abdomen can be a good indication of Turner Syndrome. Turner syndrome is only found in females…so I feel like we are having a girl now. It is when one of the X chromosomes is missing and this affects the baby more physically then anything. As much as it pained me to think that this could affect her later in life, it was not the end of the world in my eyes. I would still love this baby with all my heart, do everything I could for her and she would know she was loved! No doubt about it!

We told our family the news and the appointment was scheduled with the specialist, Dr. Read for July 19th. Even though things weren't looking perfect, we started to tell everyone about our beautiful baby number 2, and I made the official announcements on the blog and facebook. This baby deserves all the excitement! Even though we knew our road would possibly be a bit bumpy, I was still ecstatic and couldn’t wait to tell the world!

Over the past week, I have been showered with prayers, kind, encouraging words, and I just was confident that nothing the doctor told me would make me love this baby any less….so bring it on. I went to my appointment yesterday and got to see my baby again. It is just instant love. I saw the technician first…so awkward. She wouldn’t answer any of my questions…so I just laid there watching my baby move all around. The heart rate was 165. Soon after, I saw the doctor. He started to look at the baby and then began explaining.

He , of course, spoke a ton of huge words to me, so he might as well have been speaking French. He explained that something was probably wrong with the chromosomes and he would definitely agree with Dr. Pohl in that our baby would have Turner syndrome or Downs…something of that nature. He continued to talk about the fluid and that it is not only in the baby’s abdomen but now surrounds its whole body. I asked what this meant and he said that the survival of this baby is slim. He said that babies with this much fluid have about a 98% chance of not surviving. He also informed me that the neck measurements are a good indication to doctors that the baby is growing steadily and that it is “normal”. Normal, for this point in time, is 3mm. Our baby is measuring 10mm. He also stated that the baby’s legs looked abnormally short, which could mean a fatal type of dwarfism. I am sure there were more flags, but he ended with saying that it was still early on and things can change. Dr. Read suggested we see him again in 4 more weeks. He suggested also that I see Dr. Pohl every week.

So that is where we are.

Telling my family was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My sisters are just such rocks for me and to hear them both just break down was so hard. My sister Kaitlin is my prayer warrior and had a reoccurring thought the other day of “Grace” during her prayers for our little one. She asked if she could call this baby her Grace Baby. Is that not just beautiful? Our Grace Baby!

I am an emotional wreck. The smallest thing sends me into complete break downs. Luckily, I have the most wonderful baby girl to bring me back to my senses. I was okay with something being wrong. I was expecting to hear that my child was going to be “different”. I did not expect to hear that I might not even get the chance to meet her. It just blew me away.

Last night, as I am sure you can imagine, sleeping was really hard. Kaitlin sent me a text saying that whenever the New Testament speaks of suffering, God’s glory is always revealed through it. That Christ’s suffering revealed God’s immense Glory! She also suggested I read some verses, so I dug right in to my Bible.

Romans 8:18 I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.

1 Peter 4:12-13, 19 Beloved, do not be surprised that a trial by fire is occurring among you, as if something strange were happening to you. But rejoice to the extent that you share in the sufferings of Christ, so that when his glory is revealed you may also rejoice exultantly…As a result, those who suffer in accord with God’s will hand their souls over to a faithful creator as they do good.

No one ever said life is easy and God doesn’t have to give us an explanation as to why He does what He does. His plan is PERFECT! I continued to read, just where ever I felt called to and I turned to Psalms.
Psalms 62:6-9

My soul, be at rest in God alone,
From whom comes my hope.
God alone is my rock and my salvation,
My secure height; I shall not fall.
My safety and glory are with God,
Trust in God at all times, my people!
Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!

I have decided to pray this everyday for the remainder of my pregnancy for my Grace Baby. I know in all of your lives, these verses can be applied, so join me in this prayer, if you feel it in your heart to. Prayer is so powerful! And He listens to every word!


And they call it puppy love said...

This is such a beautiful post, and you are an inspiration to have the faith that you do. You, Zach, Zoe and Grace Baby will be in my prayers, call me if you need anything!

Sarah said...

Praying for you and your sweet Grace Baby.

Christine said...

I will be praying daily for you, Zach, Grace Baby, and Zoe. God is unwavering and his will is perfect and sovereign, as you well know.

Alison said...

Praying for you and your family and your Grace Baby. Lean into the Lord and let Him give give you strength

Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Beth McC. said...

PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING for your sweet little family!

Sonya said...

Praying for you!

Joy said...

Tears are flowing for you and Zach. I will be praying for you and will surely think of you all through the day.

Kathleen said...

Your family and Gracy Baby are in our prayers!

B said...

so poetic and beautifully written straight from a Mama's Heart. God's Glory-filled hands are on you and your family and of course Grace Baby. many prayers for you all!

Kyler, Jennifer, and Olivia Clark said...

Just wanted you to know I will be praying along with you daily.

Candace said...

We are praying for you, Zach, Zoe, and Grace Baby.

Kristi said...

Praying for you and your family and the Grace Baby. I pray that God prepares you for whatever may happen. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Deavours Family said...

Prayers will be sent up daily for your family and sweet Grace Baby!

Southern Cinderella said...

I am praying for you, your family, and precious Grace Baby. You are such a strong woman and the verses you found and are saying daily with Grace Baby are such wonderful words!

The Cannons said...

Praying for all 4 of you. :)

The Sweet Life said...

Becca, I am praying for you and your family.

Courtney Long said...

Thinking and praying for you and Grace Baby. I admire your strength, courage, and honesty.

calanders said...

Hi Becca,
My name is Cindi, and I work with your sister-in-law, Misty. I have been reading your blog for quite a while now, and I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed watching Zoe Jane grow up. She is such a miracle and a gift from God. I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you, Zach, and Grace Baby daily. I pray most of all that God's love and peace will surround you completely, and His perfect glory will be evident in your life. For it's with Him, that all things are possible! With love and prayers ~Cindi

Amanda Odom said...

Oh Rebeecca! My heart is hurting for you and Zach. Please know that I commit to be actively praying alongside of you during this journey. Aren't you so thankful you have Jesus? Love you girl!

Amy Bayliss said...

Hi Rebecca!

I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for your family. I know this is a stressful and confusing time but until you know for sure what is going on just focus on loving that little baby.

My son was born with a rare form of dwarfism called Cartilage-Hair Hypoplasia (CHH). I found out about his condition when I was just 17 weeks pregnant. The doctors told me many things and guessed at all of the different possibilities. In the end, most of them were wrong. In fact, no one guessed CHH as a possibility. I have my testimony on a new blog I started for parents of little people. You can check it out. Maybe it will give you some encouragement:

If your baby is a little person there are more than 200 different types of dwarfism and of those only less than 1% are fatal. I know the doctors will do more tests and eventually confirm the diagnosis but I just said all of that to stress to enjoy this little one. Don't worry. There will be a time for that once you have some answers. God knows your baby. He has already made provision. Just love on that little one. :)

Consider yourself hugged (((BIG hug))).

Elaine said...

Oh Becca - What an absolutely beautiful post. I can feel your love for Grace Baby all the way over here in Tuscaloosa. I will most definitely be lifting you, Zach, Zoe and Grace Baby up in prayers every single day.

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know how amazing and strong you are. I have been thinking and praying for you all often. Brad is as well. We love you all! HE IS IN CONTROL! <3

Caroline said...

I have started putting my prayer list on the side of my refrigerator. It has your name on it. I cannot imagine your feelings right now. After I had Andrew, I had a terrible bout of post-partum depression that lasted a very long time. That is the main reason Andrew is our only child - I couldn't bear to put my family through that again. Please know that the Garner family is praying for you! If Andrew had been a girl, the name we picked out was Olivia Grace! We are praying for God's hand to guide you all through this as only he can.