Thursday, October 18, 2012

Be Still

Is it weird that I still have bad days?  You always hear...healing takes time...yes it does.  It has been a little over 2 years since we said our goodbyes but see you agains to our son....and I still become a sopping mess at times.  I still break down at the thoughts of what could have been.  I still talk to him and pray to him.  I still cry at the sound of his name.  I still hear a song and have to park the car because I can't see well enough to drive from my tears of rememberance.  I still pray for my emotions and my healing....

This week or so has been full of my Oliver.

It started with the email about the Annual Remembrance Walk for the unborn and then followed by the text "Are you going to the Remembrance Walk on Saturday?" I knew it was coming...and emotionally I can't get myself to go.  It is so strange to me how at times I am all about facing the emotions and at other times want to run and hide...pretend it isn't my life.  I don't want to go to the walk...something about it breaks my heart and I just don't want to go.  I have a baby shower to attend Saturday and it sounds much better to me to celebrate the new life of a beautiful little girl then the cry over my precious son.  I feel I can better celebrate his life by rejoicing in new life.

And then...Zoe becomes obsessed with our Oliver Lion...I mean obsessed.  It goes everywhere with us.  She even drew on him...which might have sent her to time out...but her drawing was definitely out of love.

Next was this...something so simple....something I saw while mindlessly pinning away on Pinterest.  Oh my goodness the pain...I never doubted, not once, that all the pain I have felt and continue to feel will be for glory.  I still believe that we all carry our own cross, whatever they be, and they are ultimately for God's glory.  How else are our crosses manageable?

But while lolly gagging on the pinning site and creating my never-ending boards, I saw this and truly felt God screaming at me!  Do you ever feel screamed at...in a good way?!??!
These two words mean so much to me.  Mainly because I felt these words being screamed at me about 2 years ago, lying in bed during an unbelievably difficult time.  I heard "Be Still...You are not alone."  and I will never, ever forget it.  Be Still.  So seeing this ring led me to go back to all my posts of my time with Oliver.  I am so beyond grateful I have in writing a time I can barely remember in thoughts.  I cried so much today revisiting my past, revisiting my days with my baby boy.  Like I said...is it weird I still have bad days?

I just wish I knew what God meant by these words....Be Still!  I guess He will have to scream at me some more!

Oh, what a week!

1 comment:

Marie said...

My son passed away 7 years ago and I thought I would never be able to heal from it. I was a mess and one day I would be able to visit him and talk about him without tearing up. It took me 5 years to grieve and now I am blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Your words, letters to Oliver has helped me in ways you will never know. Hugs and prayers to you at this time. Thank you!